Baby Simmons: March 2011-June 9, 2011

The reality of this is still setting in. In some ways I can't believe I am having to write this post. I will feel a flutter in my stomach and think there is a baby in there only to come to the heartbreaking realization that no, there is not a baby in my womb any more, and that leaves me feeling empty inside. I think some people know the exact details of the event, but for those who don't I wanted to share them so that people know what I went through and why this is going to take a very very long time for me to recover. I am not going to be blogging much at all right now, but I do want to share my story and my current feelings.  This is what I remember from that horrible day, along with my rantings about this horrible loss......

First of all, my entire pregnancy had been great. No morning sickness at all, every doctor appointment went amazing, my belly was growing, I was beginning to feel the flutters of baby movements, and life was great.  On Wednesday June 8, I went to work as I normally do.  I taught both speech classes and came home around 4:30pm to do a quick clean of our home because our friends were bringing their crib over.  They no longer needed it and were giving it to us for free.

Jared and our friends came home around 5:15pm with the crib. I was now sitting on the couch as my feet were sore from teaching that day (nothing out of the ordinary).  I didn't help at all with the crib, Jared and  our friend put it together and got it all set up in the nursery.  After they left, I washed my face and laid on the couch to rest.  Jared made dinner and we watched tv for a little bit.

I needed to make some signs for my speech classes because they were giving their first set of speeches on Thursday June 9. I got up to start working on that and noticed that my back was hurting really badly.  It really didn't strike me as odd because I have had lower back problems for several years now. I was seeing a chiropractor off and on back home in CA and even saw one when we moved to Houston. I am used to my back hurting and now that I was having to sleep on my left side due to the pregnancy, there were days when my back would hurt and I would just stretch it out and be fine.

So that's what I thought was happening.  I stretched it out like normal, but it didn't help right away.  Then I noticed that when I tried to walk, my left leg would give out.  I could stand on my right leg and be perfectly fine with no pain, but the minute I switched to my left leg the pain would set in on my lower back and I would have a shooting pain from my thigh to my lower back.  Again, I really didn't think anything of it because I always have weird funky pains in my body, that I have always blamed on playing sports my whole life.

The pain didn't last long anyways. After stretching and walking around it completely went away.  So Jared and I started working on my speech signs.  Around 11pm, I noticed that my lower stomach started hurting.  I thought it was just gas or something so I walked around our living room trying to relieve the pain.  It would go away for a bit and then come back.  I know this may sound weird but I didn't think anything of the stomach pain because I also have had lots of stomach issues.  I have had intense pain in my stomach since high school, even pain that led to my appendix being removed in 2003.... and what I was feeling late Wednesday night felt just like that.  Typically when my stomach hurts like that I just tough it out for about 5-10 minutes and then it goes away. So that's what I thought was happening.

Around midnight the pain started to get insanely intense.... to the point where it now freaked me out.  Jared was reading the pregnancy books that we have and all of the things I was feeling were things that appeared to be normal for the 4th month of pregnancy, but the only difference was mine were really intense.  So I didn't know if that was normal or not.

I texted my mom and she suggest that I call my doctor so after a few more minutes I did.  I told her my stomach hurt really bad, there was a little bit of blood in my urine at that point too (which had not occurred at all that whole evening until 2 minutes before I called my doctor).  I told her that I had to keep walking around because the pain in my stomach was so bad.  She told me to go to the hospital ER immediately.

So we jumped in the car around 12:30am and headed to the hospital.  They checked me in and asked me a bunch of questions.  After talking with me and locating the baby's heartbeat (153 bpm), they decided that I was most likely having a kidney stone.  I didn't have a good feeling though.  I was in soooo much pain and kept thinking there is no way this is good for the baby.

When the nurse was checking the baby's heartbeat I felt something shift and drop in my stomach and I knew that couldn't be good.  I told her what I felt, but since she had just heard the baby's heartbeat, she didn't think there was anything to worry about.  Then the nurses left the room to go get some supplies to start treating/checking me for a kidney stone, so at that point it was now just Jared and I in the room.

That's when things got bad.  At this point we had only been in the ER for about 15 minutes or so.  The nurses had just left and now I was feeling something weird.  I looked down and saw that the baby come out. I saw it and I felt everything.  I looked at Jared and freaked out.... told him to call the nurses.  They rushed back in and told me to lay down.  They told me I just lost the baby and that they would now perform a D and C.

A male doctor or nurse came in and they spun me around in the bed and started vacuuming my insides out.  Everything happened so fast.  I was so confused. I had just been pregnant and now the baby was gone and I was being vacuumed out by a man and 2 female nurses.  I just lost it. I started bawling. It was awful.

After what seemed like eternity, they finished the D and C and rushed me upstairs for a pelvic ultrasound (ugh!) to check everything out.  Then they took me back downstairs to take blood samples.  We waited for about 3 hours for the results.  Everything came back completely normal.  The doctors had absolutely no reason why our 15/16 week old baby had been lost....there was no reason that they could find at the time.... Our baby was just gone. So they let me clean up and sent us home.

We walked into the ER around 12:30am on June 9, at 15/16 weeks pregnant and walked out at 5am empty inside. I wanted to die.  I still do.  I can't even put into words the pain I carry in my heart every single day.

Jared and I got home around 5:30am and had to be back out our OBGYN's office by 8:30am. When we got to the doctor's office she told us she was completely shocked when the ER doctor called her to let her know we lost the baby.  She said everything was going so well with our pregnancy she didn't have any reason to even think this would happen.  She said that when I called her she thought I was having pain from a urinary tract infection.  I have to admit I am annoyed that both my OBGYN and the ER people thought I was just having urinary tract/kidney stone problems.  I don't know why they never thought there was something wrong with the pregnancy.... but whatever.  Anyways, I have to go back on June 24 for my doctor to run more tests on me to see if I had some kind of infection that would have caused this to happen.

The actual term for what I experienced is a "spontaneous abortion" or a late miscarriage.  According to books I read, it usually means there was something wrong with the placenta or me... not the baby.  I have no idea what the case is... I have no idea what went wrong.  I was following ALL of the pregnancy rules to the "t."  I altered my diet a few months before we started trying to have kids.  I went off birth control two years ago. I stopped coloring my hair a year ago.  I was taking folic acid daily for the past two years.  I was eating organically and working out on a fairly regular basis.  Once I became pregnant, I stopped drinking caffeine, stopped exercising beyond a brisk walk, did not lift anything heavy, tried to be in bed at a decent time, watched my stress levels, watched my sugar intake, ate TONS of fruits and veggies, starting taking an organic prenatal vitamin and DHA pill at 4 wks of the pregnancy, I mean seriously, you name it I was probably doing it. Not to mention I don't have any conditions, illnesses, or diseases that I needed to worry about.

So basically I am left with utter confusion.  Why did this happen?  Why did it have to happen this way? Why couldn't I have just miscarried at 4-5 wks without such a freaking traumatic experience? Why did the baby have to be almost 16 wks when I lost him?  Why did I have to get pregnant at all if the baby wasn't going to make it anyways? Why do so many other women get to keep their babies and mine had to be taken?  We prayed and prayed and prayed for this little baby before and during the pregnancy. Why when other women pray for their babies do they get to keep them, but when we prayed for our baby it had to be taken? Why do idiotic people who just screw up on their birth control pills get to keep their babies, but when we actually plan for this ours is taken?  Why do people on illegal drugs get to keep their babies, but ours was taken? Why do other people who plan for pregnancies get to keep their babies, but ours had to be taken? Why? Why? Why?.... just runs through my head all day.

Nothing brings me comfort right now.  It doesn't matter what people email or tell me....none of it even comes close to helping me.  I've had people tell me, "oh at least you and Jared are young, you can just try again." Or people have told me that they know people who miscarried and got to have children again after that.  People, that does not help me.  I don't want another child... I wanted that child.  If I have another child, it will not take this pain away.... it will not bring our baby back.  I don't want another baby.... the one I wanted is the one that was taken.... I only want him back. So no, at this point I am not even remotely interested in trying to have a baby again.  If God wants us to have a baby He is going to have to intervene because I am done.

And no, knowing the baby is in heaven does not make me feel better, and knowing that someday we will see him again does not make me feel better. First of all, I don't know how anyone knows that will even happen.  Secondly, I don't want to see the baby in heaven, I wanted to see the baby here in my arms in November. So no, that does not help, please do not tell me that.

And don't tell me that maybe this means the baby would have been born with a disease or disability so this is better.  What the heck?  If our baby was born with a disease I would have loved the heck out of him and I would not have wanted him to die! Are you serious?  I would have loved this baby soooo much.  I endured the master's degree just so I could have a job that would let me be home as much as possible with our baby -- Jared was not pursuing higher paying jobs because he wanted to stay at CLPC so he could be home on a consistent basis too.  There was no freaking way we were going to just dump our baby at a daycare all day long to be raised by other people.  We wanted this baby and we were going to take care of him as best as we could.... even if that meant living off of a smaller income just so we could raise him ourselves..... diseased, disabled, or healthy.

I am so frustrated and angry and bitter and jealous and sad and heartbroken and depressed.  I pretty much go between feelings of sadness and despair to feelings of anger and bitterness.... occasionally I will have an ok moment, but it usually means I am distracted or something.  But mostly I am just heartbroken and hurting so bad.

We were only 2-3 weeks from finding out the baby's gender (we have a very strong inkling it was a boy so that's what we are telling ourselves for now).  I was already feeling flutters in my belly and was looking forward to actually feeling baby kicks in the next few weeks.  I was soooo excited to fly home in July and have our first baby shower.....we had already been planning it and I had picked out the invitations and everything.  We had just got the crib that Wednesday before the miscarriage, and we had already received baby clothes. This whole thing freaking sucks and tears at my soul.

And we had just told people we were pregnant exactly one week before we lost the baby.  I was soooo afraid to announce our pregnancy because I was soooo worried something like this would happen, and one of my biggest fears was having a public miscarriage.  Even though we made it through the first trimester, the fragility of pregnancy was never far from my mind... that is why we prayed CONSTANTLY.  But no, we still had a public miscarriage.  I don't like people to know my business and I especially don't like people to know when I am sad or grieving. I keep a lot of that emotional stuff very private (aside from this post, obviously).  I am so humiliated that this happened publicly.  I feel like a total failure. And please don't tell me not to feel that way, because I do and your words will not even come close to helping. Most things people tell me just feel like salt in my wound.

I am thankful my mom and sister and brother-in-law were able to come. It helped a lot. I am thankful to be married to a man like Jared who has been a constant support and pillar to lean on through this.  I am not ok talking about this with people or seeing people yet..... I have only been able to talk/write/see a very very select few and I would like it to stay that way.  And all things baby just break my heart right now.  That's one of the reasons I cancelled our FB account.  I was pregnant with a cluster of women who continue to post pics of their pregnant bellies and their doctor appointment updates.  It breaks my heart and I can't see that right now.  I am avoiding ALL things baby/toddler right now... it is just too painful.

The other thing that sucks about this whole thing is that I signed on to teach two 5 week speech classes because I had to financially.  I was able to take Thursday off when I miscarried, but I was back at work on Monday.  The 5A semester is so short that even though my department was really supportive and said I could take time off, I didn't feel comfortable doing that because I would have been so far behind... and I felt bad for the students... I didn't want my personal issues affecting their learning.  So basically I have been so overwhelmed with playing catch up on these courses and trying to continue this teaching process, that I have not had a lot of time to be alone and just process what we went through.  I am so tired and exhausted.

I haven't had a freaking break in 3 years.... finished the thesis pregnant.... jumped right into 2 speech courses....and now this... I haven't slept well in so long... I don't even remember what good sleep feels like.... I have cried myself to sleep every night since this has happened.  I can't take it..... it is too much to handle and I just can't do this..... not to mention I have $60,000 in student loans I need to start paying back and am already getting bills for that.... and we are still paying off doctor's fees for our baby that is not even here anymore.  I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but this is freaking insane.....

What's weird is I really don't even want to be comforted.  I don't want to feel better. I want to mad and pissed off and sad.  I don't want anyone to cheer me up.  I don't want to move on..... I don't want to be ok and get on with my life.  Part of me just wants to stay mad and sad because that's how I feel and part of me is afraid of forgetting the baby... forgetting these dates (June 9/November 27). I just want to grieve in my own way and my own time.... but I feel like everyone wants me to feel better. Everyone wants to come over and see us and I just want to be freaking alone.  I want to hide..........

I guess it really doesn't matter.  I don't have any hope anymore.....I feel helpless..... I have lost my joy and there is no comfort to be found.  Sure, I can fake it when I need to and get through my days, but that's all I am doing.... just faking it.... putting on a nice face to make everyone else feel ok with where I am at in all this.  If I could just runaway from my life I would.... but I am a coward and could never do that.

And the thing of it is, I know that there are people who have endured and are enduring worse..... There are people being tortured, Christians being tortured, child soldiers being made, and people who lose their babies at 9 months.... or who lose their child at 20 years.  I don't know how they get on with their lives.  Losing our baby at 15/16 weeks has killed me inside.  I have already endured so many events in my life that have caused deep soul pain, and now this.  I am just done.  I hate that this planet is so freaking depressing.  Apathy is more appealing as a shield from pain than anything right now.  I don't care how juvenile it sounds, I just want a pain-free, peaceful life.  I suppose if anything this has just made me long for heaven even more.... I want to live in a place where there is no more pain and suffering.