Love

“If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.”
1 Corinthians 13:1-3

Love has been on my heart lately.  Specifically, I have been praying that the Lord would help me to love others more.... to love people as He does.

Recently,  I have become more aware of how high and deep the walls around my heart are.  My heart has been wounded very badly, multiple times, by people very close to me over the past few years. Though I've thought I was ok and moved on, I am realizing that it is not true.

My heart is still sore and is in fear of being wounded again.  So in order to protect itself, it has carefully and meticulously created very strong walls around itself, so that no one can get too close to cause it so much pain again.

For a while I thought this was a successful endeavor, but I am now realizing that it is not so because it is ultimately preventing my heart from true healing.... true healing that can come only from the Lord.  I have become like a dog who has a wounded leg.  He growls when you come near it with medicine for healing, and so it never heals (or at best the healing process takes much much longer).

This is what I have done with people.  I feel as though I am afraid to love people.... to allow them to get close to me, because of the potential pain they may cause my already wounded heart.  So I will let people get to a certain point and then the walls come up.  It takes me a very long time (if ever) to allow someone to get beyond the walls.

However, I have not really thought or cared how this may appear to those around me.  I probably come across as distant, abrasive, "a resounding gong," or as a surface-level person.

The odd thing is that I don't think I was this way before I came to Houston in 2007.  So those whom I was close with before arriving to Houston have the ability to pass through my walls because of our already established bond. Yet upon arrival to Houston, the walls started getting higher and deeper.  Most likely due to an incredibly painful (and still painful) experience with someone close to us in 2006.  Unfortunately, since being in Houston my heart has endured more pain and wounds for a variety of reasons, thus causing the walls to again grow higher and deeper as the years go on.

So instead of allowing the Lord to come in and bring true healing, I have guarded my wounded heart like a dog would guard his wounded leg. As a result no healing has come to my heart, thus allowing it to grow callous and defensive towards the idea of allowing anyone close.  Which ultimately means I have not been loving people the way Christ does, and this is a problem.

So these are my three prayer requests regarding this issue:

1. That Christ would bring true healing to my wounded heart, thus allowing my walls and defenses to be lowered
2. That I would actually want this healing....I've grown quite fond and attached to my walls and lowering them is not necessarily appealing.
3. That Christ would allow me to love people the way He does: in an authentic, compassionate, caring, selfless, non-judgmental manner