Tainted

It's interesting how one bad event can so strongly overshadow many good events.  2011 was a good year for us for many reasons. We were able to spend time with many friends and family members, I finished my Master's Degree and was immediately hired to teach as a full time adjunct at a community college, Jared's job has gone really well and people continue to love him there, we travelled to Boston, we travelled to CA, finished lots of house projects, went on tons of date nights, had lots of fun with friends out here, etc.  But for me, all of it is overshadowed by the loss of our child.  When I think of 2011, I now have nothing but bad thoughts. I hate 2011.

It's honestly become worse since Aliyah's due date.  Before she was due, she would have simply been in my womb, and so I was sad to see my stomach stop growing.  But after her due date, she should now be with us.  Aliyah would be a little more than a month old now. I just keep thinking that everywhere we go and everything we do should be accompanied by a new baby.  If we go to the store, she would be with us. If we go out to dinner, she would be with us. If we are hanging out at home, she would be with us.  I just can't stop thinking about that...that a little baby should be here now. I should be able to look over and see her now, but she is not here.

This sucks so bad. I hate this lesson... I hate that we were chosen to be one of the couples to endure something like this. I would give anything to opt for a different life lesson, and besides, if this is such an important life lesson then why doesn't everyone lose a child?  The hurt never goes away. Sure I get preoccupied and I can put on a happy face, but the hurt never truly goes away....ever.  I have never cried myself to sleep as much as I have these past months. It's only been about six months since we lost her, and I just keep wondering if this hurt, sorrow, and frustration will ever go away on this side of heaven.