Tender Moments

Today, when I left for work, Jack was screaming. It was awful. I didn't want to leave, but I had to because my class was starting in 45 minutes. Ugh!

I never wanted to work outside the home once I had a child. I was never one of those people who thought I could juggle it or who wanted to continue in my career after kids. Nope. Not once have I ever wanted that.  I did everything I could to prepare and get my education done before kids so that I would be able to stay at home.  However, despite my best planning attempts and efforts, it appears that it is not meant to be for me to get to stay home every day and focus my attention 100% on God, family, house, etc.  I have to spend evenings prepping, grading, and emailing, and then twice a week I have to leave Jack to go attend to students.

I do not have the luxury of deciding two weeks into this semester that I can't hack it, and then quit my job... not an option. I have to persevere through this...there is no going back...only forward through this semester. I have bills to pay, student loan debt specifically, that will not go away (oh the joys of getting an education before kids...no government grants to help you out when you try to do education the right way.) And yet, in spite of everything, I am incredibly thankful that my work load is significantly lower than it could be, and when I start to dread all of this I am reminded of the women and men who have to do this completely on their own, work full time jobs and put their kids in day cares they know are not great because that's the only option they have and can afford.....and I pray hard for them. Not everyone who is a working mom wants to be...it's not always a 1st choice...many times it's the only choice, whether we like it or not.

As I left for work this morning, I prayed the entire way for God to calm Jack and give him peace and rest and comfort while I was away. I kept reminding myself ( or maybe God kept reminding me) that He is in control, and that He is with Jack, even when I cannot be.  I even prayed that God would somehow give me confirmation that Jack had calmed down and was fine. I just needed to know he was ok because Jack can cry for hours at a time without ceasing. He just did it on Monday - cried from 8pm-12am solid. So I was not convinced that he would just tire out after a few minutes.  That is why I spent the whole morning commute praying and praying and praying for Jack.

As I pulled up to my school I noticed I was about 15 minutes early, so I played my worship playlist that I made for myself, specifically when I am feeling depressed. I didn't know what song to choose so I just hit shuffle.  I have a lot of random songs on this playlist, some upbeat, some slower so I didn't know what would pop up when I hit shuffle. The three songs that ended up playing were the most perfect three songs I could have listened to: Rita Springer's "You are Still Holy," Something Like Silas' "Savior Divine," and Something Like Silas' "Song of the Broken."

When we lived in the CA, the church we attended for 10+ years was the local Vineyard church. While I have my issues with that church, I will admit that one of the things that they certainly did well was worship. I miss the worship services at this church. One of the songs that they played often was Rita Springer's "You are Still Holy." I have always liked this song, and the lyrics are so encouraging to me. So when it popped up first on my playlist this morning my heart was comforted.

I have similar feelings about Something Like Silas. Though they are no longer a band (some of the members formed a new band called Future of Forestry), I still listen to their cd's. They were a worship band out of San Diego that played at Hume Lake Christian Camp and my university (APU)... I sooooo miss the worship services at those two locations too. So when their two songs played this morning, both songs expressed how I was feeling and related to where my heart was in that moment. Again I felt peace and encouragement.

To hear those songs this morning, I felt was a gift from God. I sat in my car in the school parking lot with tears streaming down my face. Partly because I was sad about Jack and partly because I felt God's love wash over me in my moment of sadness. And then, oddly enough, I found myself thankful that I was in the situation I was in because had I stayed home with Jack I would not have had that tender moment with God in my car in the school parking lot.

And to top it off, when I walked into my class, I received a text message from my mom that included a picture of Jack sleeping on Susan....he was ok...he was calm and resting and peaceful. My mom has never texted me a pic of Jack while I was at work, nor did I ask her to or anyone else to....only God knew my request. God gave me my confirmation of Jack being ok.  He is so so good.

Maybe just maybe, God has allowed for me to teach this semester, against my will and planning, for a greater purpose....to refine me and bring Him glory...to pray over 27 students I wouldn't have met if I was a stay-at-home mom....to experience His strength and provision in my weakness and brokenness over this turn of events... Maybe sometimes the emotionally harder option (whatever that may be) is the better option for divine reasons, and if we stick it out, instead of calling it quits we will reap divine rewards and tender moments with God.

Here are the three songs that played for me this morning... I love them so much....

Rita Springer: "You are Still Holy"





Something Like Silas: "Savior Divine"

Something Like Silas: "Song of the Broken"